Audience of ONE

     My entire life I have struggled with wanting everyone to be happy with me. I'm sure that is common with many people. However, in my journey with Christ within this last year, I believe I am being taught that Christ is truly the only audience I need to impress.
     Not impress as in doing enough to gain His approval, that is NOT the gospel of grace that Jesus brings. Maybe a better way of saying it would be that Christ is the only one whom I need to lock my focus on; derive my meaning from; drown my worth in. And in growing daily in the knowledge of His love for me, I am freed from seeking people approval and released to give that love back to others.
     The problem with depending on humans for worth is that every single one of us struggles. We all have our junk. I'll never forget a Good Friday service years ago where people who were in need of any kind of healing from Jesus were asked to come to the front for prayer. The people just kept coming. Some with obvious needs, some with hidden. But what struck me was that everyone had a need only Jesus could fix.
     My devotional the other day (IF:Equip - Acts 17:16-34) covered how anything in our lives that takes the place of God is an idol and how Paul gives a remedy for that: "but now he commands all people everywhere to repent because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead."
     Then take 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins AND to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Do you see that? JESUS is enough! We repent; we turn away from our sin and hand it over to Jesus and Jesus does the rest! He makes us clean! He fixes the junk! I don't have to figure out a 3-step plan for not caring about others opinions over God's. I need to repent and turn to Jesus for help, and His Spirit does the rest!
     Nobody that calls themselves a Christian has any time to be trying to live their life without the Holy Spirit! John 15:5 Jesus says "apart from me you can do nothing".
     Audience of ONE. Only one can make us whole.

No Time for Lies

     I don't sit and blog much anymore, honestly because when I sit down to write I have this voice telling me 'who are you to speak into anyone?' 'Who really cares what you think about anyway?' So, I sit down to write and I stare at the screen and eventually move on to something else.

     The truth is, writing things out helps me process what God is speaking to me. It's the reason I journal. I like to go back and see where life was; what my heart wrapped around a year ago.

     Anyway, I have been letting Matt in on some of my thoughts as of late. More than one time he has told me "[You] believe a lot of lies." 

     Lies, and the guilt that comes with them. The insecurity they bring. It's debilitating really. It's a lonely frame of mind. It's not at all what Jesus came to give me.

     Sometimes I am like a 2nd grader..."Why hasn't she called me back? Did I make her mad? Why was my kid not invited? Why was I not invited? Maybe I am not really wanted. Maybe I shouldn't be the leader of this group, I don't know enough. I suck as a mom; I don't want to always be outside with my kids. I don't always want to play with them."

     I do NOT want to be that person. I don't want to walk into a room, already feeling like a loser due to my own thoughts that I think others are thinking of me. 

     So what is at the heart of these lies? I guess it is my desire to be liked above anyone else. To be the one that is needed. The one who is invited b/c that means I am loved. To be the better.

     What is that about? I do not like being busy. I don't want to be invited to everything, and yet in my brain, I equate being invited to being loved. Then the question becomes why am I not loved? What do others have that I do not? It's an awful mind game that I play with myself.

     I have been asking Jesus why HIS acceptance of me is not the loudest voice in my head. How much more abundant life would I be living if I got rid of the lies? What would I NOT be doing, or BE doing, if I let the guilt be lost on Jesus?

     Two passages of scripture have been marinating in my mind. 

     John 21:1-9 Jesus' resurrection had happened; the disciples are back in their boat, fishing, when Jesus comes to them. Peter jumps out of the boat to get to Jesus. Peter - an intense leader, yet denied Christ.  Jesus asks him if he loves Him, three times. Peter gets annoyed b/c he knows Jesus knows he loves Him. 

     I have read that story many times, yet it was shown to me in a message the other week, the depth of the question Jesus is asking. Where is Peter's foundation? Is it in being right? Is it in being first? Is it in being liked by others? Or, is it in Jesus, the author, and perfecter of our faith? (Hebrews  12:2)

     If we try to base our lives on anyone but Jesus, it is an endless cycle of failure b/c being right, being first, being liked doesn't fill our souls!!! Because it's a race, not a relationship!

     The most important choice anyone makes is whether or not to be right with God.  The bible teaches that a relationship with Jesus is the only way to make us right with God.  Not a bunch of rules. See? The lies I tell myself are products of the rules I have made up in my mind.

     The other passage is Acts 6:8-15, where Stephen is in a room full of people telling lies about him. Accusations were flying and people didn't like him. YET "gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel". 

     This passage gave me hope b/c even in the midst of lies, Jesus can be bigger. I am the one telling myself lies, but Jesus has the power to help me take those thoughts captive (2 Cor. 10:5) and focus on who I am in Him!
     You know what else? I don't have time for the lies! I have things to get done, people to encourage, kids to love on, a husband to serve.
     I am so very grateful for the Holy Spirit that works in me, whom without, I would still be lost!
  

   

     

   

Advocate

     I've never thought of myself as an advocate; never really had a cause to be loud about.
     That statement begs the question... Does an advocate need to be loud? Can you take a stand for something/someone quietly, and still be considered an advocate? I mean, in my faith,  I want my life to be loud, but I don't want to personally be obnoxious about Jesus.
   
     This week Jesus has shown me that this time in my life just might be the season to pull up my "big girl panties" and get my loud on.

     For starters, Matt has ongoing GI issues. He had another episode on Thursday where he was doubled over, crying at times from the pain. The pain then subsided, he seemed fine so I went on to work. Within an hour of being there Matt called me to come home because the pain was coming back. He had also called our primary doctor but couldn't get an appointment until Friday. Well, that sent me into tears b/c this stomach stuff is not new. He needs to be seen and we would rather have that not be in the ER. So I called the doc's office to see if I could have them reconsider an appointment for that day. No go.
     My next move was to call the GI doc; I left a message for the nurse. Two hours past and I hadn't heard anything so I called back. The receptionist told me "you know she does have to see patients". To which I replied, "yes, I understand that but I need to know if his stomach flares up again if I need the ER or your office." She transferred me. When I told Matt I answered her back he was shocked. "YOU said that?" I'm telling y'all, I am not direct naturally. I don't like when people are annoyed with me.
     On Friday we went to his appointment where he had a lot of blood drawn to test an assortment of things, from food sensitivities to pancreas problems. As well, we are being referred to a GI doc within the CMC community.

     The next item on the list is our sweet Maggie. She has been stuttering. Not the normal stutter that many her age have, where they are thinking faster than they can speak. She can't even sound the word out. Trying to say 'what' she will say "Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...breath...whhhhhhhhaaaa". Not normal.
     Her neurosurgeon doesn't think it sounds like a shunt malfunction and told us to go through the pediatrician first. I was a little annoyed but LOVE our pediatrician so we saw her yesterday. And I am SO GLAD I did. She is an advocate! She was able to hear Maggie 'stutter' and agreed with me - something is not right. She suggested that I call the neuro surgeon again and tell him that she suggests that Maggie be seen sooner than later. They gave me an appointment for April 8 and put her on the cancellation list. Really? Really!!!???? That is not going to work b/c she is scheduled to have surgery on April 1st and I am not allowing her to be put under without knowing all is functioning well in her brain! (She is having her tonsils and adenoids taken out & turbonites reduced).
     So, I called the pediatrician back and told her about the neurosurgeon (who, by the way, is fabulous; one of the top rated in the country). She agreed with me that Maggie needs to have an MRI, before her surgery. She then faxed the neurosurgeons office with her concerns. Come next week we should hear.
     Whew! I just wrote a book!
     Oh! And tonight Maggie has a sleep study to see if all the congestion is due to her hydrocephalus or just obstruction. Her ENT (also fabulous) says that it makes a difference in how her surgery is done.

We covet your prayers and remain thankful that Jesus is the true advocate for all of us (Romans 8:34).

My most urgent need

     Well, she made it until 3:45p. She is sleeping on my lap as I type. We are in the she-doesn't-need-a nap-everyday phase. Guess she did need one today. All I did was pick her up and sit down to check my e-mail.
     I really didn't want to work out anyway. I've been wanting to sit and reflect on the last couple of weeks of life; now I can do just that with a snoring 3yr old on my lap.
     Her snoring will be fixed in March. Next week she goes for a sleep study; ENT doc suspects that she has sleep apnea. Then she gets her tonsils and adenoids out, along with the shrinking of something else that is swollen in there. Oh, and we found out she has silent reflux. She's never complained.
     Its crazy, she has been with us for just about 2 years now, but there are days that I still can't believe we went to China and brought home our daughter. We took a step of faith adopting her. And on the other side of that obedience God has given us many moments for which I am grateful. Not because it has been a piece of cake, but because I have come to know God in deeper ways.
     Our pastor talked the other day about telling Jesus to do His will in our lives. "That's a dangerous prayer...but it's the right one," he said.
     I love that he said it's a dangerous prayer. It's dangerous because Jesus might actually call you to something that you have no interest in doing when first presented with the situation. It's dangerous because it might actually be hard. Don't get me wrong, I believe that Jesus wants to give us life to the full, but I do not believe fullness in life comes from being comfortable.
    Ann Voskamp, in One Thousand Gifts, says "...trusting God is my most urgent need." In my old age of 40 years, I would say that I agree with her.
    Natalie has high-functioning Asperger's; Maggie has hydrocephalus - health issues. Does that mean that my life is not blessed because God fashioned them this way? Does God love our family less because these diagnoses take effort to deal with, or may require extra financial means? Not at all! In many ways I feel that these bring all the more blessings b/c of the way they draw me to the power of God.
     Matt and I talk about whether or not we feel God will ask us to adopt past Nolan. We would both tell you we hope not. We would love to be the family that can bless other adoptive families financially, as we have been blessed by so many. But what if He does call us to a 5th? I'm sure I would have some more stubborn fellowship with Him, but I can tell you I would do it. Why? Because even when I am exhausted Jesus isn't. When I can't see what the future holds, I can still see God. Not always with a clear plan, but through a peace that goes beyond myself.

      Joy in the midst of another three year old tantrum.
      Peace in the wait to see our second son's face.
      Steadiness in learning a new parenting style with a pre-teen who has not yet decided she wants to be taught.
      Gratefulness in the fact that Natalie and Jaydn still want to be read to every night.
      Rest in a love that is too great to understand fully.

     Jesus doesn't always show up with fireworks. It's often in the mundane of life. And I don't want to try and figure God out, you know, like have to have Him make sense. I just want to know Him.

Maggie woke up before I finished writing. She sat on my lap and cried for 10 minutes...loudly. My anger rose, I wanted to put her in her room. Thank you Lord for Daniel Tiger and paint.

The art of listening

     It's learning to just listen. Just listen to her frustrations; the thoughts that she becomes "stuck" on and then knowing when to tell her that is enough. Learning HOW, what words to use, to help her stop the negative thoughts.
    For years, before having an Aspy doc explain about how she processes,  I would try to argue and persuade her. You know, try to get her to see another point of view. But that doesn't work with her. She still has to learn to hear someone else's view; she is still learning how to reflect on herself.
     Then, later on in the day, when she is not stuck, I can bring the subject up and offer some advice, a different approach.

     What was she stuck on this morning? School. It's boring. There are no parties in 5th grade. There are no good books she can read at her level (which is an 8th grade level).
     Seems like a simple fix right? Think again. This is draining. Because I don't hear those things one time; it is over and over and over. Mentally it is draining. But, what is a mom to do? I will call on the name of my God for patience and compassion. And, I will keep her. I will love on her right where she is at.

We are learning

     The list worked! It worked! She's never responded so well! The kitchen looked great!
     I shared in the previous post that just before Christmas our Natalie was diagnosed with Asperger's. The responses to this info have been varied. Some tell us they are so sorry. Some say they wouldn't have guessed that. Others have just listened. Matt and I, we have been through many emotions.
     I was elated when we first found out; relieved b/c we live in a city that has Aspy specialists that can help us. Then I went through a sort of mourning. Just coming to the understanding that she truly has a "disorder" that we need to address. Then there was more gladness b/c we were finding out before she goes to middle school. My momma heart has always been a little fearful of her heart really getting hurt during that time. Today, I'm good. Just thankful to be learning new ways to help her think. That leads to the next explanation.

     Many ask what the signs are, but that list can be long. I'll just share with you the main things we see at home.

• She gets stuck. Sometimes in fear, sometimes in frustration, sometimes in negativity. Whichever, she doesn't know how to get out of the thought. 
• She sees life in black and white, there is no gray in her mind. 
• She doesn't know how to self reflect. 
• She can't focus on more than one thing at a time, it is just too much for her. When she gets very focused on something and cannot get her mind off of it, we call it "freight training."

     I am learning that if I want her to pick up her towel off the floor now, I cannot just infer that with my voice. I have to say the word "now". 

     We are learning that if we have given her an instruction, and she has started moving in that direction, we cannot then change our minds or add something. She won't hear the addition b/c the "train" is moving.

     I am learning that if I want her to finish a chore the way I expect, I can write out a step by step list and it will be done perfectly! Hence the excitement at the beginning of the blog. She loves to bake cookies, and she is great at it. What is not so great is the end of the process. Everything is left out, cookies are not put away, dishes left, crumbs everywhere. So this last time she wanted to make them I wrote out the list of everything that needed to be done when she is finished. That was all she needed.

  

     The girl is brilliant. Compassionate. Beautiful. She has a different mind, and our God fashioned her that way. We love her beyond words and God has entrusted this learning to us. I am humbled with the journey.

Onto the next

     I started writing a blog when we started our adoption journey with Maggie.  Then I started one for our journey to adopt Nolan in Haiti (God is still revealing all of those details.) But I have come to the conclusion that I just want one blog where I can write about more than just adoption. Some days it will be what we are learning on the new journey of discovering how to parent an Aspy-kid (Asperger's). Some days will be about the joys and frustrations of raising kiddos; some will be fears about having one with hydrocephalus; some about our marriage. But what I want more than anything is to show how God affects every area of my life.

     For the time being, since we are still raising adoption funds, I will still update my blog about Nolan (www.fourbyfaith.blogspot.com).