The truth is, writing things out helps me process what God is speaking to me. It's the reason I journal. I like to go back and see where life was; what my heart wrapped around a year ago.
Anyway, I have been letting Matt in on some of my thoughts as of late. More than one time he has told me "[You] believe a lot of lies."
Lies, and the guilt that comes with them. The insecurity they bring. It's debilitating really. It's a lonely frame of mind. It's not at all what Jesus came to give me.
Sometimes I am like a 2nd grader..."Why hasn't she called me back? Did I make her mad? Why was my kid not invited? Why was I not invited? Maybe I am not really wanted. Maybe I shouldn't be the leader of this group, I don't know enough. I suck as a mom; I don't want to always be outside with my kids. I don't always want to play with them."
I do NOT want to be that person. I don't want to walk into a room, already feeling like a loser due to my own thoughts that I think others are thinking of me.
So what is at the heart of these lies? I guess it is my desire to be liked above anyone else. To be the one that is needed. The one who is invited b/c that means I am loved. To be the better.
What is that about? I do not like being busy. I don't want to be invited to everything, and yet in my brain, I equate being invited to being loved. Then the question becomes why am I not loved? What do others have that I do not? It's an awful mind game that I play with myself.
I have been asking Jesus why HIS acceptance of me is not the loudest voice in my head. How much more abundant life would I be living if I got rid of the lies? What would I NOT be doing, or BE doing, if I let the guilt be lost on Jesus?
Two passages of scripture have been marinating in my mind.
John 21:1-9 Jesus' resurrection had happened; the disciples are back in their boat, fishing, when Jesus comes to them. Peter jumps out of the boat to get to Jesus. Peter - an intense leader, yet denied Christ. Jesus asks him if he loves Him, three times. Peter gets annoyed b/c he knows Jesus knows he loves Him.
I have read that story many times, yet it was shown to me in a message the other week, the depth of the question Jesus is asking. Where is Peter's foundation? Is it in being right? Is it in being first? Is it in being liked by others? Or, is it in Jesus, the author, and perfecter of our faith? (Hebrews 12:2)
If we try to base our lives on anyone but Jesus, it is an endless cycle of failure b/c being right, being first, being liked doesn't fill our souls!!! Because it's a race, not a relationship!
The most important choice anyone makes is whether or not to be right with God. The bible teaches that a relationship with Jesus is the only way to make us right with God. Not a bunch of rules. See? The lies I tell myself are products of the rules I have made up in my mind.
The other passage is Acts 6:8-15, where Stephen is in a room full of people telling lies about him. Accusations were flying and people didn't like him. YET "gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel".
This passage gave me hope b/c even in the midst of lies, Jesus can be bigger. I am the one telling myself lies, but Jesus has the power to help me take those thoughts captive (2 Cor. 10:5) and focus on who I am in Him!
You know what else? I don't have time for the lies! I have things to get done, people to encourage, kids to love on, a husband to serve.
I am so very grateful for the Holy Spirit that works in me, whom without, I would still be lost!
You know what else? I don't have time for the lies! I have things to get done, people to encourage, kids to love on, a husband to serve.
I am so very grateful for the Holy Spirit that works in me, whom without, I would still be lost!
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