My most urgent need

     Well, she made it until 3:45p. She is sleeping on my lap as I type. We are in the she-doesn't-need-a nap-everyday phase. Guess she did need one today. All I did was pick her up and sit down to check my e-mail.
     I really didn't want to work out anyway. I've been wanting to sit and reflect on the last couple of weeks of life; now I can do just that with a snoring 3yr old on my lap.
     Her snoring will be fixed in March. Next week she goes for a sleep study; ENT doc suspects that she has sleep apnea. Then she gets her tonsils and adenoids out, along with the shrinking of something else that is swollen in there. Oh, and we found out she has silent reflux. She's never complained.
     Its crazy, she has been with us for just about 2 years now, but there are days that I still can't believe we went to China and brought home our daughter. We took a step of faith adopting her. And on the other side of that obedience God has given us many moments for which I am grateful. Not because it has been a piece of cake, but because I have come to know God in deeper ways.
     Our pastor talked the other day about telling Jesus to do His will in our lives. "That's a dangerous prayer...but it's the right one," he said.
     I love that he said it's a dangerous prayer. It's dangerous because Jesus might actually call you to something that you have no interest in doing when first presented with the situation. It's dangerous because it might actually be hard. Don't get me wrong, I believe that Jesus wants to give us life to the full, but I do not believe fullness in life comes from being comfortable.
    Ann Voskamp, in One Thousand Gifts, says "...trusting God is my most urgent need." In my old age of 40 years, I would say that I agree with her.
    Natalie has high-functioning Asperger's; Maggie has hydrocephalus - health issues. Does that mean that my life is not blessed because God fashioned them this way? Does God love our family less because these diagnoses take effort to deal with, or may require extra financial means? Not at all! In many ways I feel that these bring all the more blessings b/c of the way they draw me to the power of God.
     Matt and I talk about whether or not we feel God will ask us to adopt past Nolan. We would both tell you we hope not. We would love to be the family that can bless other adoptive families financially, as we have been blessed by so many. But what if He does call us to a 5th? I'm sure I would have some more stubborn fellowship with Him, but I can tell you I would do it. Why? Because even when I am exhausted Jesus isn't. When I can't see what the future holds, I can still see God. Not always with a clear plan, but through a peace that goes beyond myself.

      Joy in the midst of another three year old tantrum.
      Peace in the wait to see our second son's face.
      Steadiness in learning a new parenting style with a pre-teen who has not yet decided she wants to be taught.
      Gratefulness in the fact that Natalie and Jaydn still want to be read to every night.
      Rest in a love that is too great to understand fully.

     Jesus doesn't always show up with fireworks. It's often in the mundane of life. And I don't want to try and figure God out, you know, like have to have Him make sense. I just want to know Him.

Maggie woke up before I finished writing. She sat on my lap and cried for 10 minutes...loudly. My anger rose, I wanted to put her in her room. Thank you Lord for Daniel Tiger and paint.

The art of listening

     It's learning to just listen. Just listen to her frustrations; the thoughts that she becomes "stuck" on and then knowing when to tell her that is enough. Learning HOW, what words to use, to help her stop the negative thoughts.
    For years, before having an Aspy doc explain about how she processes,  I would try to argue and persuade her. You know, try to get her to see another point of view. But that doesn't work with her. She still has to learn to hear someone else's view; she is still learning how to reflect on herself.
     Then, later on in the day, when she is not stuck, I can bring the subject up and offer some advice, a different approach.

     What was she stuck on this morning? School. It's boring. There are no parties in 5th grade. There are no good books she can read at her level (which is an 8th grade level).
     Seems like a simple fix right? Think again. This is draining. Because I don't hear those things one time; it is over and over and over. Mentally it is draining. But, what is a mom to do? I will call on the name of my God for patience and compassion. And, I will keep her. I will love on her right where she is at.

We are learning

     The list worked! It worked! She's never responded so well! The kitchen looked great!
     I shared in the previous post that just before Christmas our Natalie was diagnosed with Asperger's. The responses to this info have been varied. Some tell us they are so sorry. Some say they wouldn't have guessed that. Others have just listened. Matt and I, we have been through many emotions.
     I was elated when we first found out; relieved b/c we live in a city that has Aspy specialists that can help us. Then I went through a sort of mourning. Just coming to the understanding that she truly has a "disorder" that we need to address. Then there was more gladness b/c we were finding out before she goes to middle school. My momma heart has always been a little fearful of her heart really getting hurt during that time. Today, I'm good. Just thankful to be learning new ways to help her think. That leads to the next explanation.

     Many ask what the signs are, but that list can be long. I'll just share with you the main things we see at home.

• She gets stuck. Sometimes in fear, sometimes in frustration, sometimes in negativity. Whichever, she doesn't know how to get out of the thought. 
• She sees life in black and white, there is no gray in her mind. 
• She doesn't know how to self reflect. 
• She can't focus on more than one thing at a time, it is just too much for her. When she gets very focused on something and cannot get her mind off of it, we call it "freight training."

     I am learning that if I want her to pick up her towel off the floor now, I cannot just infer that with my voice. I have to say the word "now". 

     We are learning that if we have given her an instruction, and she has started moving in that direction, we cannot then change our minds or add something. She won't hear the addition b/c the "train" is moving.

     I am learning that if I want her to finish a chore the way I expect, I can write out a step by step list and it will be done perfectly! Hence the excitement at the beginning of the blog. She loves to bake cookies, and she is great at it. What is not so great is the end of the process. Everything is left out, cookies are not put away, dishes left, crumbs everywhere. So this last time she wanted to make them I wrote out the list of everything that needed to be done when she is finished. That was all she needed.

  

     The girl is brilliant. Compassionate. Beautiful. She has a different mind, and our God fashioned her that way. We love her beyond words and God has entrusted this learning to us. I am humbled with the journey.