Matt and I both do our daily bible reading each morning before the kids get up. I love it b/c it allows us time being renewed by Jesus, but also time to talk without interruptions.
This morning we were discussing heading home to IN. And we were saying that we wonder if we are both just gonna crash. He complimented me in that he told me that through a very tough year, I have maintained a positive, strong attitude. He then proceeded to remind me what my year has been like and as he did, I held back tears.
In March Matt moved to AZ and I stayed back with three kids.
We put the house up for sale and I kept it up for showings.
I packed 80% of the house w/o him.
I handled the moving truck day w/o him.
I then moved in to my bestie's house for three weeks, w/ the kids, but w/o Matt.
We then moved across the country and we unpacked.
I had to make all new friends.
Within 5 months we were starting to get the impression that AZ wasn't long term.
I had to keep the emotions of another move to myself; w/o letting AZ friends and co-workers in on it.
We put our second house in a year up for sale.
Now we are packing again.
Call me E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D.
YET... I continue to praise my God. And I can tell you that I, at times, experience such a JOY from within that I want to do a little dance.
Only Jesus can do that.
I told Matt that I don't know how people do life w/o Jesus' spirit. Really, I don't. He said that's why there are so many addictions.
I'm not blogging this to bring me pity or words of affirmation. I am sharing b/c as I was making Christmas cookies for our kids, so that they have something that resembles a normal Christmas season around our house, I was filled with such JOY, and I heard Jesus spirit whisper, "tell them."
I am not above exhaustion. I am not above a foul attitude. I am not above fear or worry. I am not better than anyone else b/c I experience JOY on a regular basis. But I will tell you that Jesus inside me makes the JOY possible and ANYONE can have Him. ANYONE. There is not one person secluded from that. If you want Him, You can have Him.
Immanuel...God W-I-T-H us.
[For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that WHOEVER believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16]
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Exhaustion's HOLD
November 27th marked our sixth month living in AZ, Matt's eighth. By this point we should be settling in, but instead we are gearing up for another cross-country move; this time to family in Indiana. Both sides of our families live in Indiana and it's been 10 years since we lived in the same state.
My mom says AZ is the only way God could get us home; that we would have never left Charlotte to move back to IN, family or not.
My mom says AZ is the only way God could get us home; that we would have never left Charlotte to move back to IN, family or not.
I suppose there is wisdom in my her thought because it wasn't until AZ that we found ourselves longing to be in the pictures on Facebook, part of family events. We always just had such a peace with living in Charlotte, away from family. Until we didn't.
Moving to AZ was the right move for us; I just didn't realize it would be so short. It has proven hard, unexpected,and lonely at times. And yet, we have been soaked in God's goodness.
In our 'first world' we have this misguided thought that if God calls you out, it will be amazing and happy all the time; because if He moves, He equips right? That is a lie. Jesus equips, YES, but shiny and pretty are not always part of reality.
These past six months have been emotionally exhausting. I didn't think I would mourn friendships and belonging like I have. I didn't think I would struggle so much to not be physically present to hug a friend in mourning.
God's presence has drenched me; allowing me to question.
Our house has been for sale for a month now.
My mind is so tired of the constant war happening between dependence on my Gods timing and fear.
What if our house doesn't sell before we leave? How will we pay for the moving truck? How will we pay the mortgage with no known jobs in IN?
My big ask has been that we would sell before we leave, and leave with no debt. And I hear Jesus tell me "just ask." Ask those questions roaming your heart and mind. Ask in the midst of doubts.
But that's just it. We can ask for what we want; we are free to do that. We can be confident that He hears. But am I also confident that He see's what I don't? So much so that I don't want Him to 'work' things just to appease my pity party?
We have experienced God's constant love for us, most tangibly, through friends and family messaging us at random times, reminding us that we are not alone; we are loved; we are covered in prayer. We are so grateful!
In our 'first world' we have this misguided thought that if God calls you out, it will be amazing and happy all the time; because if He moves, He equips right? That is a lie. Jesus equips, YES, but shiny and pretty are not always part of reality.
These past six months have been emotionally exhausting. I didn't think I would mourn friendships and belonging like I have. I didn't think I would struggle so much to not be physically present to hug a friend in mourning.
God's presence has drenched me; allowing me to question.
Our house has been for sale for a month now.
My mind is so tired of the constant war happening between dependence on my Gods timing and fear.
What if our house doesn't sell before we leave? How will we pay for the moving truck? How will we pay the mortgage with no known jobs in IN?
My big ask has been that we would sell before we leave, and leave with no debt. And I hear Jesus tell me "just ask." Ask those questions roaming your heart and mind. Ask in the midst of doubts.
But that's just it. We can ask for what we want; we are free to do that. We can be confident that He hears. But am I also confident that He see's what I don't? So much so that I don't want Him to 'work' things just to appease my pity party?
We have experienced God's constant love for us, most tangibly, through friends and family messaging us at random times, reminding us that we are not alone; we are loved; we are covered in prayer. We are so grateful!
Sometimes the best place to be is relearning to hold Jesus as the absolute, most essential part of life. He IS exhaustions 'hold.'
For those curious minds, wondering WHY we are moving to IN...
*My dad has Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia. I want to be near him in this season; I want to be able to help.
*Matt has Celiac's Disease and Leaky Gut Syndrome. Both cause damage to the immune system. A side-effect is lack of energy. Youth pastors need energy. Will he stay in ministry? We don't know. What we do know is God's peace that He will lead and He will provide.
For those curious minds, wondering WHY we are moving to IN...
*My dad has Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia. I want to be near him in this season; I want to be able to help.
*Matt has Celiac's Disease and Leaky Gut Syndrome. Both cause damage to the immune system. A side-effect is lack of energy. Youth pastors need energy. Will he stay in ministry? We don't know. What we do know is God's peace that He will lead and He will provide.
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