Good Hurt

     It's been five months since my last post. I didn't realize it had been that long; probably because we are still doing home repairs that make us absolutely dependent on our God to provide once again.
     Five months later, we are still "resting" from all that we have been through in the last year and a half.  It's amazing to me how long it takes a mind and heart to process change; what change brings to perspective.
     After 15 years as a youth pastor, Matt was burned out; Mentally, and physically, exhausted. The exhaustion not just from an immune disease. The way it has played out for him is times of depression, having no motivation to DO anything.
     Since moving back to IN, Matt become an insurance adjuster. When the kids and I visited Charlotte this past summer, many would ask what Matt was doing. I would tell them, but inside I was almost embarrassed. He wasn't in ministry with these individuals anymore.
     I've often wondered where that embarrassment came from for me. After months of processing with Jesus, I think I know the root. It's not embarrassment, it's hurt.
     Arizona was HARD. Arizona was LONELY. There were graces given - friendships made and provisions given. What I mean is that within my mind and heart it was difficult.
     My hurt was with Jesus.
     So often people ask why we left the Carolinas and then AZ. I never wanted to talk about AZ (still struggle a little). How do you tell people that you uprooted your whole family because God called you to a place just for, what we now believe, was for a time of transition? That God was OK with us struggling though months of loneliness? That you moved by faith and then it wasn't easy?
     Isn't that the truth of life though? The times that stretch us the most bring us to discovering hope is not in a place, or in another human being. Hope is Jesus - in my everyday, mundane world, knowing He is working in me.

{{{SIDE NOTE: Christians - Stop teaching that if you serve Jesus everything in life will be roses! Christianity started by Jesus being killed!}}}

     I have a friend who collects license plates. I asked him if he had AZ, which he did not. When visiting Charlotte, I pulled up to their house and took out both of our AZ plates, fully intending to give him both because I didn't want them; didn't want to be reminded of that time. It was at that point I  heard the voice of my God say, "You need to keep one of those plates. I called you to AZ; My hand moved you there. It is part of your story. Keep it."
 
     Jesus was killed, yes. But Jesus came back to life, never to die again. That life He gives to me.
   
     I have the license plate on my desk. I don't like it yet, but I am learning to embrace it.

Just gonna put this out there....

I just want to publicly confess that I have NO IDEA HOW our God is going to provide for us this time, but I believe He will. I will not doubt that. 

We have a book we have named "Jehovah Jirah" in which we write down every way that God has provided for us. We have been jotting things in that book for ten years now. So much so that now we no longer write just the provisions, we also write out our needs, trusting and believing that we will be able to come back and mark how that need was filled.

And EVERY time, E-V-E-R-Y time, He provides. 

One time it was through a bank merger.

One time it was through damaged furniture with a cross-country move.

One time it was through escrow from an old home, not needed for a new one.

One time it was through a fall, down some stairs.

One time it was through a buyer of our house losing his job & the closing falling through.

Many times it was opening our hearts.

Many times it has been being placed on someone else's heart.

Romans 8:15 tells us that (in Jesus) we didn't receive a spirit of fear, but a spirit by which we can boldly come before the God of heaven and throw our fears at Him, believing that He is good and He cares about our needs.

When God does what only He can do, it changes what we see and what we seek. His spirit changes everything. 

Many of you know that after two cross-country moves, we have been able to purchase a home. We bought the home for an amazing price, in a great neighborhood. What we did not envision was all of the necessary updates this house would need immediately. We knew it would be a fixer-upper (shiplap!), but not to the extent of cost, on the forefront, that it has been proven to be.

I have told on the previous owners to Jesus a lot. True story. I complain to Jesus about the lack of care that these people didn't take. But I would be lying if I didn't also say, each time I do Jesus reminds me of His presence and the gift this house is. And the biggest reminder that He gives me is that a house is not my joy; He is. Money is the bank is not our security; He is.

Today we had scheduled electrical work to be done. What we didn't schedule was the power company telling us that we have to change the whole meter box, and all the electrical that goes along with that.

So, I'll say it again. I have NO IDEA HOW our God is going to provide for this new issue, but He will. And I'll let y'all know when it happens. 

Same for You

Matt and I both do our daily bible reading each morning before the kids get up. I love it b/c it allows us time being renewed by Jesus, but also time to talk without interruptions.

This morning we were discussing heading home to IN. And we were saying that we wonder if we are both just gonna crash. He complimented me in that he told me that through a very tough year, I have maintained a positive, strong attitude. He then proceeded to remind me what my year has been like and as he did, I held back tears.

In March Matt moved to AZ and I stayed back with three kids.
We put the house up for sale and I kept it up for showings.
I packed 80% of the house w/o him.
I handled the moving truck day w/o him.
I then moved in to my bestie's house for three weeks, w/ the kids, but w/o Matt.
We then moved across the country and we unpacked.
I had to make all new friends.
Within 5 months we were starting to get the impression that AZ wasn't long term.
I had to keep the emotions of another move to myself; w/o letting AZ friends and co-workers in on it.
We put our second house in a year up for sale.
Now we are packing again.

Call me E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D.

YET... I continue to praise my God. And I can tell you that I, at times, experience such a JOY from within that I want to do a little dance.

Only Jesus can do that.

I told Matt that I don't know how people do life w/o Jesus' spirit. Really, I don't. He said that's why there are so many addictions.

I'm not blogging this to bring me pity or words of affirmation. I am sharing b/c as I was making Christmas cookies for our kids, so that they have something that resembles a normal Christmas season around our house, I was filled with such JOY, and I heard Jesus spirit whisper, "tell them."

I am not above exhaustion. I am not above a foul attitude. I am not above fear or worry. I am not better than anyone else b/c I experience JOY on a regular basis. But I will tell you that Jesus inside me makes the JOY possible and ANYONE can have Him. ANYONE. There is not one person secluded from that. If you want Him, You can have Him.

Immanuel...God W-I-T-H us.

[For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that WHOEVER believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16]

Exhaustion's HOLD

     November 27th marked our sixth month living in AZ, Matt's eighth. By this point we should be settling in, but instead we are gearing up for another cross-country move; this time to family in Indiana. Both sides of our families live in Indiana and it's been 10 years since we lived in the same state. 
     My mom says AZ is the only way God could get us home; that we would have never left Charlotte to move back to IN, family or not. 

     I suppose there is wisdom in my her thought because it wasn't until AZ that we found ourselves longing to be in the pictures on Facebook, part of family events. We always just had such a peace with living in Charlotte, away from family. Until we didn't. 

     Moving to AZ was the right move for us; I just didn't realize it would be so short. It has proven hard, unexpected,and lonely at times. And yet, we have been soaked in God's goodness.
     In our 'first world' we have this misguided thought that if God calls you out, it will be amazing and happy all the time; because if He moves, He equips right? That is a lie. Jesus equips, YES, but shiny and pretty are not always part of reality. 
     These past six months have been emotionally exhausting. I didn't think I would mourn friendships and belonging like I have. I didn't think I would struggle so much to not be physically present to hug a friend in mourning. 
     God's presence has drenched me; allowing me to question.

     Our house has been for sale for a month now. 
     My mind is so tired of the constant war happening between dependence on my Gods timing and fear.  
     What if our house doesn't sell before we leave? How will we pay for the moving truck? How will we pay the mortgage with no known jobs in IN?
     My big ask has been that we would sell before we leave, and leave with no debt. And I hear Jesus tell me "just ask." Ask those questions roaming your heart and mind. Ask in the midst of doubts. 
     But that's just it. We can ask for what we want; we are free to do that. We can be confident that He hears. But am I also confident that He see's what I don't? So much so that I don't want Him to 'work' things just to appease my pity party?

     We have experienced God's constant love for us, most tangibly, through friends and family messaging us at random times, reminding us that we are not alone; we are loved; we are covered in prayer. We are so grateful!
      

     Sometimes the best place to be is relearning to hold Jesus as the absolute, most essential part of life. He IS exhaustions 'hold.'


For those curious minds, wondering WHY we are moving to IN...
*My dad has Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia. I want to be near him in this season; I want to be able to help.
*Matt has Celiac's Disease and Leaky Gut Syndrome. Both cause damage to the immune system. A side-effect is lack of energy. Youth pastors need energy. Will he stay in ministry? We don't know. What we do know is God's peace that He will lead and He will provide.  

     

A standing jump

     Maggie is learning to swim. As long as she can see the '3FT' sign she will allow herself to move from the stairs.
     Getting her to jump to one of us in the pool has proven challenging. We tell her over and over to 'trust me, I will catch you.' Yet she struggles. She crouches...and then sits...gets back up to try again, this time leaning into us.
     "No Maggie, stand up and jump to me..." Then the tears come.
     The fear that grips her is amazing; it baffles me because I know I will catch her.
     I told Matt her struggle is so very similar to the struggle to jump when Jesus says jump.

     Matt and I have "jumped" a time or two. But what if we hadn't? We would have missed so many blessings on the other side of that obedience!
     All of the friendships in the Carolina's that we would have forfeited!
     Our Maggie, whom we cannot imagine life without! The journey to get her was amazing; God showing off at every turn!
     And now Arizona. This move has proven to be the hardest yet. While it hasn't been pretty emotionally, Jesus' peace is so strong in me. HE moved us here. HE IS restoring me.

     All this to say, I'm not convinced that Jesus is concerned with us being comfortable. I think He wants us to trust His bigger plan. I think when we stand up and jump, with no hands, we FIND the pricelessness of Jesus.

     Where is Jesus asking you to jump? Do it. Hands free. Knowing Jesus will catch you.

ONE

     I just realized that my last two days have not been tainted with the dread of never going back to Charlotte. There were days, while alone in the car, that tears would fall simply b/c I miss my people back in the Carolinas. This moving stuff is no joke on the heart.
     Several weeks ago, through a study I am doing, I read a verse from 1 Peter. I have clung to it, contemplated getting part tattooed, and meditated on each word.

[1 Peter 5:10] 

"And after you have suffered a little while, 

the God of all grace, 

who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, 

will HIMSELF, 

restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

     I love that it calls him the 'God of all grace'. Jesus holds more than one form of grace.
     Every time I read this verse Jesus not only helps my heart, he tells me to pray the same verse over a sweet friend of mine, who needs His grace in a different form of comfort.
     And 'will himself'...not a friend, not my husband, not my kids, not food, not a program, not all the people I miss...Jesus himself. That's so good!!!
     But the part that I believe is tattoo worthy is restore, confirm, strengthen and establish.
     It's all about allowing Jesus to do those things. The killer is that it is in HIS time. He has to be the lifter of my head, or my restoration won't be complete.

     Time is a beautiful thing. I don't want to fight it right now. I want to take the uncomfortable times of hurt to be that I have loved those I left well. I want to thank Jesus that I was loved well.
     Earlier in 1 Peter 5, verse 7, Peter challenges us to cast all of our anxieties on Jesus for He cares for us.
     Part of wholeness, whatever your journey, is to realize that there is ONE who can restore, confirm, strengthen and establish our souls. ONE. And it ain't you.

Unseen Domain

     "Mom, when is it going to be my turn to make friends?"
     The question came from Maggie, two weeks into making our move to AZ.
     I feel like my heart is in the same place. Jesus' joy and strength got me here; led me to obey the calling of another move. Yet, on the other side of that obedience I feel lost. My soul is quiet and sad at times. I feel as if I am wading through the loneliness, trusting that Jesus is FOR me and didn't just lead Matt to AZ, He led me and the kids too.
     So I find myself asking Jesus where He needs me; what He is going to give me passion to do b/c, honestly, I don't have passion for much right now.
     When we arrived in AZ Matt was home for one week and then went on a 5-day youth trip. So here I am in a new town, with no friends, living in our new home which needs unpacked, still being the only parent in the home to calm the unending nit-picking between our kids.
     When Matt got back home, my whole being shut down. Exhausted. I cry to myself often b/c I am tired. I am missing those I know, yet I just want to be alone.
     I think about our move to Charlotte 10 years ago; the same struggles, at different levels. I remember that my mother was going through chemo/radiation for breast cancer at the same time we moved. I felt so much guilt for leaving her, yet my trust in Jesus to care for her was bigger than the guilt.
     This time around, I have a sweet friend who lost her two boys in a terrible tragedy the weekend before we left. And while I KNOW that my hug would not heal her, I have had the hardest time with that. I wasn't there. But it's not guilt this time, it's just sadness. Like I am missing out on helping to take care of them. All I have to do is think of her and the tears fall. I'm going to believe that those tears are the spirit of Jesus washing over her and her husband.
     Why do I so often feel like God's strength is based on what I can see? Why do I diminish God's power like that?
    For over two years, Jesus has been placing a certain celebrity on my heart, every-single-day. I doubt that I will ever meet this person (although I already call her my friend), but that lack of distance doesn't stop the heaviness of the spirit leading me to pray for her.
     What if my passion is to be a prayer warrior for those I will never be physically near?
     What if my part in bringing the Kingdom of God to earth, is behind the scenes?
     Would my heart ever be content with that? Now THAT would be a work of the Spirit!

[Matthew 6:6] But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

     That verse, my friends, was just given to me by reminder of the Spirit at work in me. The reward? His never-ending presence within me that grows my faith to know that that which is not seen by me is still His domain.